Emails from Mills

As I was speaking to someone recently, I was explaining to them how I saw that they were behaving and realised a few things about myself and how I deal with circumstances or events that occur in my life.

I notice that when something really affects me, whether I’m angry, annoyed, disappointed, frustrated or hurt, I tend to “react” in one of two ways.  I will either go silent and withdraw into myself to avoid displaying emotion or any sort of vulnerability, or I will find myself getting unavoidably emotional, with tears flowing.

Growing up and through my younger adult years, I had always disliked both responses.  I felt I was being childish, emotional and immature that I would either just completely shut-down or cry at the drop of a hat.  What I came to realise through doing the personal development work that I do now, is that both responses were my way of knowing that something wasn’t ok with me.  They were my trigger to realising that there was something for me to work on, something that I was, as yet, unclear with.

I’d always thought that is was only me, however, what I’ve recently realised is that each and every person has their own triggers to indicate to themselves that they are unclear with something, be it their own or another person’s words or actions.  I was just frustrated that my lack of clarity came out in such an obvious way.  Some people find themselves getting angry, defensive, sarcastic, bitchy, quiet, or deflecting through humour.  The key is not to try and change this about yourself, but love the fact that you have a way of indicating to yourself that something is distorted in your perception.

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Every since I was little, I remember wanting to have lots of things that I felt I would never be able to.  One such object was a nice car.  In the early days I liked Lamborghinis however I knew when it came down to it I loved the thought of having two cars in my drive, a nice big 4 wheel drive, and a hard-top convertible with four seats.  Funnily enough, I was always very clear about this.  It had to be hard-top and had to have back seats!

After the hail storm wrote off my X-Trail, it was time, for the first time in my life, to make a choice about what car (and colour) I wanted.  I think I sub-consciously felt though, that in choosing my red, hard-top convertible that I was aware that my mum, known for her less than subtle expression of discontent with my choices, would dampen my enthusiasm for finally being able to have the car I’d always dreamed of.

But doesn’t life have a funny way of surprising you.  When she saw it, she was so pleased and proud of the fact that I’d bought it, especially the fact that it was red, that I was left gaping at her with my mouth open, wondering who had taken my mother and replaced her with this woman standing before me.  I took her for a drive and she was laughing like a child with her wind blowing in her hair.

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I was sitting in my favourite café the other day and overheard someone make a comment that reinforced a value of mine.  He was discussing having attended seminars, and remarked to his friend that he didn’t like attending programs where the presenters raved on about how brilliant and perfect they were, as it just made him feel less about himself and as if what they were ‘preaching’ was impossible to achieve.

My thoughts on this took two directions.  Firstly, there is no value in shrinking to make someone else feel tall.  To downplay our achievements in order to ensure those around us feel comfortable denies them the opportunity to be challenged and grow.

On the other hand, anyone and everyone who presents, speaks or performs, also has the other side, the element that makes them ‘real’.  This is their humanity.  It is what enables them to relate to people rather than talk at them.  It is what connects them with their listeners and allows their message to be heard.

One of my goals is to be real and truthful.  It makes what I am saying easier to hear and connect with and allows others to see that anything is achievable.  If I stand on a pedestal and preach, I distance myself.  My words will be hollow, and nothing I say will touch the hearts or benefit the lives of anyone listening.  Therefore, every time I write one of these emails, it comes from something I have lived and learnt.

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Spending time away overseas is a rather humbling experience for me, mostly due to the fact that I spent my childhood so sheltered and separate from ever thinking I could possibly travel the world. From the outset I realised that the Mera Peak experience was going to be different somehow.

Before leaving I was bombarded with varied responses from the people around me from, “Are you insane? ” to “Wow, that will be amazing! ” The only thought that was in my head though was what I had always heard mum ask me whenever I wanted to do anything growing up. “Why? ”

Why did I subject myself to hours and hours of training in the rare spare time I had? Why did I want to come along on this trip to begin with? Why wouldn’t I want to spend my time relaxing on some tropical island instead? Why, why, why???

In an attempt to find the answers I asked everyone on the trip why they were there…too many different responses. I asked myself while I was walking …no time to think, just walk and breathe. When I was stopped…too tired to think. When I was sent back due to AMS…failed the attempt, find the benefits, get clear, wait for the others to get back to me and see that they’re ok. Why weren’t the answers coming to me? Why wasn’t I clear? Who could help me?

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People pass through our lives everyday and often we can forget that each and every one has a story, a reason for displaying the exterior that masks their vulnerable interior. Each mask looks different to the world- a mask of happiness, cockiness, deflation, anger, sarcasm, strength, confidence or ignorance – but in essence, covers the same fears, struggles, love and softness that is in everyone. We are all the same in essence, just different in experience or existence, so we choose to present an exterior that makes us feel as if we can cope and/or be comfortable with what is occurring outside.

Although I have a gift of being able to see through this mask with people it can also be easy for me to be caught up in my own world and not recognise it at times, or forget to search for it. I was blessed recently, with the opportunity to re-learn this as I connected with someone in my life, for the first time, in this new way. I saw beyond their tough exterior to their heart, and they were able to do the same for me. The reason why we hadn’t previously, is that we had both been stuck on showing our outer selves to each other, fighting for that inner core to be protected and kept safe from what seemed to be someone who might, albeit unintentionally, be able to hurt us.

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To start the New Year, I wanted to share with you my experience of the end of 2009 going in to January 2010. I have been renovating my house…”Enough Said…! ” I hear you all say. I had not anticipated doing such a thing until one day, due to a few conversations and a few uncomfortable decisions, I sought to undertake this task. This was a Friday morning – by Monday, there were strange people walking around my house, upending furniture and leaving their mark.

Many of you will remember Mitch and I talking about your house being your sense of self. Well, did I ever experience that! As my house was being turned upside down, so it seemed was my life…in so many ways and in so many areas. I felt that people were walking through my home, not caring about it and not taking into consideration how I would feel that my house was being treated this way. I also felt uncomfortable standing up to this at times. This was representative of my life in that I felt I had given up my values and what was important to me. It was representative of the disrespect I could have for myself that I would allow others to be inconsiderate of me and not feel comfortable enough with who I was to expect others to honour my values.

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