It seems we’re confused.
We’ve come a long way since being hunter gatherers, yet at the root of how women choose a mate, those old characteristics of good provider, successful hunter, strong fighter still play a part.
Choosing a partner nowadays is infinitely more complex than, I’d hazard a guess, when we were cave people.Choosing a partner nowadays is infinitely more complex than when we were cave people. Click To Tweet
Back then, something called sexual selection was a big part of the decision making – physical attractiveness, ability to provide, compassion, parenting abilities, intelligence.
It was a competition between males, and a satisfied female mate was the prize.
“Researchers have distilled these qualities down to the “Three Gees”—good genes, good providers, and good fathers. Men who can demonstrate all three qualities stand the greatest chance of winning the mate selection competition.” Romeo Vitelli, PhD, states.
So, if women could find someone back then who would be happy to leave the cave, go after the kill, come home victorious, feed his family, play with his children and sleep with his wife, they were fairly satisfied. They were warm, fed, loved, happy.
Men were quiet, because you can’t go after the kill chatting with your buddy and generally making a tremendous racket – you scare your prey off. And they employed a single-mindedness to the task – a focus that means the prey was their one aim.
When women left the home they would work in groups, foraging for roots and berries in teams where the collective made them safer.
The ability to communicate while keeping an eye on the children and for predators with their peripheral vision was developed.
So we’ve thousands of years of women communicating and men being quiet between then and now.
About 4 million years worth of development since we first started getting about on two legs.
In addition, research also shows us that women are the choosier partner when it comes to selecting a mate.
And it’s only recently that the modern man has needed to navigate waters outside of hunting, loving his woman and bringing up his kids.
… “About 120 to 150 thousand years as modern homo sapiens… Ten thousand years, maybe even a little bit more, of civilization – which includes marriage, money, agriculture, etc. Then 100 years – actually maybe even less at this point – 70 to 50 years of contraception, feminism, modern media, bars….” The Mating Grounds Podcast.
Our men have had to level up fairly quickly.
Now, suddenly, men are being challenged on what makes them a good mate. Because what women want is all the aspects that they always have – the sexual selection concept – along with something extra.
And it’s not being able to bring back a dead deer.
Women are evolutionarily brilliant communicators, and with our communities rapidly dwindling over the years so that we now live an insular existence – one family in each house, high fences between us, no collective to collaborate and learn from every day, that means women are missing a whole truck load of communicating.
In many cases, each family home only has to adults living in it. Where does this leave the man? In the direct communication firing line of his woman.
Does this conversation sound familiar?
Woman: “Oh, I had this problem today…”
Man: “You need to do this to fix it.”
Woman: “No, you’re not listening, I want to tell you about the issue!”
Man: “I’ve already told you how to solve the problem.”
Here’s the thing we know about women in this century. They don’t need a problem solver, or a fixer, or someone to tell them how to resolve an issue. They don’t need fixing because they’re not broken. They don’t need solving because they’re not confused.
They want communication because they’re communicators.
They want you to listen.
They want you to listen in the way that they feel valued and to be heard in the way they want to be heard. (Here’s a tip – do a bit of research about the Five Love Languages to figure out how to do this effectively!)Women want you to listen in the way that they feel valued and to be heard. Click To Tweet
They want to have a voice and for you to hear it.
They want to communicate and for you to respect it.
They want a partner who listens.
Dead deer optional.
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Even if you’ve had countless failed relationships, or even if you’ve don’t have a partner!