Why Can’t You Just Be Happy In a Relationship?

Why Can’t You Just Be Happy In a Relationship?


This has to be addressed.

Do you ever feel like a relationship where you are truly happy is just out of reach?

Are you starting to believe you’ll always end up in the same sour relationship?

Maybe you catch yourself nit-picking your partner’s flaws and blame them for your own unhappiness. Maybe he or she is a good person, but you are not wholeheartedly happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But why?

Perhaps the answer is closer than you think. Perhaps the problem isn’t your relationship. Perhaps the issue is you.


True self-fulfilment and joy can never be delivered by another person.

As individuals, we are the result of our life experiences; the way we perceive the world is shaped by a collective we carry around with us, complete with every lesson learned from our parents, heartbreaks, and achievements.

If we allow ourselves to launch into new relationships without truly understanding what lessons make up our comprehension of connection, we set ourselves up for continued disappointment.

If we being a lopsided understanding of how the universe works to our new relationship, we’ve set the bar pretty high for happiness.

And let me tell you, you will fail.

Because when experiences seem to repeat themselves, when our partners reflect the same “issues” we believe our last partner had, when we find ourselves in the same rut, bickering over the same garbage we did with the last partner, we assume the relationship is broken.

But what’s broken is our perception.


Happiness isn’t hearts and flowers, romance and awesome sex and gifts and holidays and good lingerie and shaved legs and diamonds. If you’re looking for that, of course you’re bound to be let down.

That’s not life. That’s not the universe we live in.

True happiness in a relationship is shared values. If you can build your relationship with shared values as a foundation, you will find spending your life with your partner immensely more fulfilling.

So, do you know what values you share with your partner? Do you both value time together balanced with time apart? Do you both aim to have success in your career or would one of you like to be able to stay at home? Would you like to travel the world? Change the world? Create a new world? What is it that the two of you place at the top of your priority list together?

Figuring out your shared values and then building a relationship based on understanding these values is an integral part of a successful (read; happy!) connection.


But, as I’ve said before, a relationship with another person cannot be successful without a thriving relationship with yourself. So, work on your own, personal, individual values also.

• What do you want from life?

• What do you think is most important?

• What do you plan to spend your time here on Earth doing?

• What do you want?

When you combine honouring your own values along with creating a set of shared values with your partner (from travelling the globe to watching Game of Thrones in bed together with no interruptions) you’re on your way to a whole hearted, balanced, beautiful partnership.

In addition, what if you were to focus on your relationships – past and present – and think of lessons learned and experiences to be grateful for?

When you and your partner can make it through hard times, we don’t always realize that this is reason in itself to be happy and grateful.

When the terrifying happens – we lose a loved one, a partner, a baby, our husband cheats, our wife leaves us, we put it in a little box in our minds labelled “bad”.

But what if we’re missing the lesson? What if we can’t see the wood for the trees?

There is much to learn from our pasts and those who came and went from our lives. There is also much to learn from looking within ourselves and accepting ourselves for who we are.

To be happy means to accept yourself, through times of both happiness and sadness. Without sadness, we can’t understand what it means to be happy. We ask ourselves, “Why not me?” without looking to see that there is already much to be grateful and happy for, within us and around us.

Our perceptions, shaped by our experiences, too often skew our abilities to find the happiness that exists within us all, so when we can’t change our perception, we suffer.

This doesn’t just go for relationships, in fact, the key to improving everything in your life starts with improving your perception of everything in your life – and this begins with you. None of us can erase or wipe out our experiences, but we can perceive them differently.

This is a seminal teaching in our Relationships and You course.

Life is never a fairytale, and no relationship goes without its troubles and trials. Understanding happiness means understanding sadness, and this balance makes up the infinite entirety of our universe.


Happiness is never permanent, and the fleetingness shouldn’t leave us disappointed and frustrated. If we never change our perception, we will never appreciate all that we have to be happy and grateful for, right now and for the future.

“The purpose of relationships is to help awaken you to the inherent balance existing within and around you, and to assist you in acknowledging your own magnificence and wholeness.”
– John F. Demartini, The Heart of Love: How to Go Beyond Fantasy to Find True Relationship Fulfillment

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About Emilia Tomeo

The experience of this work had such a profound and transformational effect on Emilia’s life that she is now dedicated to sharing this with others. Emilia has ten years background in the education industry in Australia. She has a fundamental passion for educating and making something that a person might perceive complicated, simple, so as to educate and communicate to the masses and awaken them to the profound teachings of how the universe works.

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